Trust Issues

I’ve had this blog active for less than week. I’ve posted two things in here and it’s already happening. One of my biggest fears of creating this blog was that someone(s) would take what I said in my most vulnerable state and throw it back into my face. It’s been 4 days (depending on when this gets posted it may be more) and someone has already used my exact worlds against me. Awesome.

This person is someone I have considered to be one of my closest friends. She used it in a way that I couldn’t really tell if she was trying to “educate” me or prove a point or if she was just upset I didn’t share her opinion and was trying to be mean. Now that I’ve had a second to take a step back and calm down my immediate anger and feelings of betrayal, I’d like to think she was doing it to prove a point…in the best way possible. At least I hope…

I have trust issues. I’ll be the first one to tell you that. My boyfriend of 3 years knows far too well about how badly it consumes me sometimes. My closest friends know that sometimes I need a little extra reassurance that something wasn’t done specifically to spite me or hurt me. I don’t trust people. Which is ironic because usually I’m an open book and will share just about anything with anyone…as long as it’s nothing TOO personal. Why? Cause I’m afraid they will use it against me. Make fun of me. Take light of things that are very serious to me. And even as I write this and think about what just happened to me and other situations that have happened recently by people I thought I could trust, I am sharing one of my true insecurities with whomever is listening. Maybe you don’t care and you are thinking I’m making this a pity party. Or maybe you struggle with some of the same trust problems and know completely where I’m coming from. Either way I hope you realize this isn’t easy for me.

I don’t trust hardly anyone. I assume that girls I’m “friends” with from work talk about me behind my back. I assume that my family talks badly about me when I’m not around. I assume that I’ll be close with someone and then the next person who walks into the picture that is better than me will replace me. And they have. They have in relationships and friendships alike. And it SUCKS! For a while I told myself I needed to stop being paranoid and just trust people more. Open up more and don’t be afraid to share intimate things with other people. But in the past 6 months, that has only backfired immensely! I’ve told people things in confidence and then the minute they’re upset with me or feel threatened or just want to hurt me, they throw those things in my face. They throw my worst insecurities back in my face. Who does that? Not anyone I want to be close to! It has taught me to NOT trust people. To not open up and share with just anyone my feelings. It has taught me that trust is earned and I can still be careful with what I share with who and not have “trust issues.” I hope that makes sense to you. What I’m saying is that it’s healthy to keep some things inside, but it’s not healthy to feel crippled by your insecurities. These situations have taught me that some people might smile to your face but they’re not your friends. And frankly, I don’t want to be friends with those people! I’ve always said that how a person acts when they’re mad shows their true colors. And I’ve never been wrong. But that’s another topic for another day.

But back to the situation that brought me to write about this. I said something on twitter and this person didn’t agree with what I said. Not only that, but this person felt that it went against my tag line that I’ve been using for a while: “Be bold. Be daring. Be you.” I post that on all my makeup Instagram pictures and it is not a part of my blog. Whether or not I agree with this person’s interpretation of what I was saying isn’t as important to me as what I’ve realized. I’ve realized a few things: 1) that if I continue to blog and put my thoughts out to the world, I am going to be under scrutiny whether I like it or not, 2) I need to react to said potential scrutiny in an appropriate way…or not at all, that’s entirely up to me and 3) if I am going to say I stand for something and be so open about it, I need to watch what I say on all forms of social media. So E, if you read this far or even if you care enough to read any more of my posts at all, thank you for teaching me this hard lesson. We’re going to have to agree to disagree on interpretations and opinions, but you did prove a point: when you stand for something you need to emulate what you stand for. I didn’t like necessarily how the point was proven, but it was a humbling experience.

Now before I end this, I just want to point out that this specifically was not a time when someone threw my insecurities in my face. She threw my own words in my face, but I can’t be too mad cause I mean, I said them!! I suppose she had somewhat of a right to question my meanings behind something I stand for. But to those of you out there that know things about your friends, whether you’re close to them or not, I urge you all to NOT be that person that throws someone’s secrets in their faces. Don’t be someone who gathers information and holds it until you’re angry and then tears the other person down. Don’t be a mean, nasty person. Plain and simple. And to those of you that struggle with trust or other similar issues…protect yourselves but don’t be afraid to let your guard down TO THE RIGHT PERSON(S)! Guard your heart and your spirit but also know when someone truly cares about you and your emotional wellbeing. And to myself…I now know that I am being held accountable for the things I say and the things I stand for and I must stand for them strongly and proudly!

Xoxo,

Mo