friends, Love, Uncategorized

To the Best Friend that Never Lasted…

I’ve seen these all over Facebook, so I decided I would do my own. Here goes:

Dear Best Friend,

     I miss you. There truly was a time when I thought we would stay friends forever. We would be in each other’s wedding. Our kids would grow up playing together and be best friends just like us. We would have book club together- sip on some wine and gossip together about our old friends and where they ended up. A lot of things would have changed in our lives, but not our friendship.

     I envisioned us going off to college and then getting into trouble over the summers in between. Or if we didn’t meet until college, I saw us partying all the time on the weekends and making hilarious memories that we would never forget. We would truly live for the nights that we can’t remember with the people that we won’t forget. And we did. We did that. But then the whole growing up and changing thing got in the way. You were more concerned with partying and meeting new men when I was starting a new relationship and trying to grow up. Or maybe I was too busy focusing on my new relationship that I let us die. Maybe I let issues of the past or insecurities creep up and never got over some things. We realized we each had different priorities and stopped making sure we included each other . Or maybe neither one of us did anything wrong, we just grew…apart.

     You have a new best friend now. She stole my title. I feel like the jealous ex-girlfriend who is wondering what she has that I didn’t. Why she is worth your time and and I wasn’t? Sounds silly, really. But I guess that’s what happens when someone finds a best friend. You love them like a sister, fight with them like a boyfriend and stick up for them like they’re family. So it sucks waking up and realizing that you’re not that person anymore. I will never have a chance of being your maid of honor. We will never go on a double date with our husbands. I won’t have you to call when I find out I’m pregnant. You won’t bring me over ice cream when i’m having a bad day. I will never vacation to florida with you with our kids. There are so many nevers, but I wish you well, still.

     No matter what happened or where we are now, I wish you the best. We probably had a fight or fell out somehow, but I still wish I was there for you. I still wish we could go back to those college weekends and play beer pong together on more time. I wish we could have one more bonfire or jump in the lake late one summer night. Most importantly I wish I could still call you or text you at any time and know you would answer. It’s hard not having that one person to call randomly and vent to or someone to text anything that pops into your mind. I wish there was still the prospect of our kids knowing each other and building a bond that we once had…but that’s not real anymore.

     One day you were a huge part of my life and I never knew what I would do without you. Now I’ve been without you for years and I’ve survived, but it still sucks. If you’re reading this and you know you used to be best friend at one point (Lord knows there’s a lot of you cause I never seemed to be able to keep a “best friend”), I want to take this time to apologize for any pain I may have caused you. I want to let you know that the times I had with you were truly some of the best. I want you to know that I still think about our memories and laugh to myself. I still tell our stories to people that I am friends with now. And if I was the reason we grew apart, I wish I hadn’t. If the reason we stopped talking was because I was bad at keeping in touch, I believe it, and I’m sorry. If you used to be my best friend, I love you. You will always have a spot in my heart and if you were ever in trouble and you called on me, I wouldn’t hesitate to be there. I hope your life is everything you dreamed of and more. If I was only meant to be a small part of it, then I’m honored to have at least gotten that much. You’re beautiful and strong and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not. Maybe one day our paths with cross again. So maybe it’s not that we never lasted; maybe it’s just a gap in our story…only time will tell.

Xoxo,

Mo

    

Uncategorized

Just Want to be Heard

     I talk a lot. When I’m happy. When I’m mad. When I’m frustrated. When I’m hurt…I talk about it. I talk about my feelings and how people’s actions affect me. I almost always let people know when they have done something that hurt my feelings or that I didn’t think is right. It’s terrible. I have always felt that overly opinionated people are so unnecessary, but I find myself being exactly that. When I was in college, and even now, when I would post something on Facebook it would drive me crazy when my mother would give her input on something I didn’t ask for opinions on. But yet I’ve always admired that she stuck up for herself, was never afraid to share an uncommon opinion or defend what she believes in. But where is the line? Where is the line between speaking up for yourself and how you feel, and talking too much? When should you keep those opinions to yourself? When do you go beyond sharing and into over-sharing? And above all else, why do you do it? Over the past few years I have realize a TON about myself. I think I have learned these things because I’ve been in a relationship….my first and only real relationship. I’ve learned what love is, what trust should be and what good communication is. Let me rephrase that….I am STILL learning what love is, what trust should be and what good communication is. And let me tell you: it is not all as easy at is sounds! Not for me anyways…

     I’ve talked about trust many times before and I’m sure I will talk about love eventually, but this post is about communication. I’ve always thought I was a good communicator. I’m very aware of my feelings (as I think I have ten times more than the average female) and I felt that I was always good at identifying what I’m feeling and why. I would rather have a hard conversation about my feelings with someone and work out the issue than sit there and sweep my feeling under the rug and fake that everything is ok. I would rather sit you down and say “hey…I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve been doing this and it bothers me (or hurts me, etc.).” My reasoning behind that is that they might not have any idea what they’re doing is affecting me so…I should let them at least know and give them the chance to change that! If I was doing something that was hurting someone and I didn’t know it, I for sure would want someone to tell me so I could have the opportunity to stop before I pushed them away completely! But no one is perfect and we’re always going to be doing something that someone else doesn’t agree with. So here’s the question of where that line is again…when is it sticking up for yourself and expressing your feelings and when is it being too sensitive and not being able to let something go?? 

     So like I said…I always thought I was brave for being able to communicate my feelings so well (so I thought) and then I started dating someone who doesn’t like to talk about feelings and would rather let it go than sit and talk about every little thing. I think we’re both in the wrong to some extent. I think that I am easily offended and take things personally too easily which leads to 10 times more stupid conversations about little things that don’t need to happen! I also think that being someone who doesn’t want to talk about things and would rather sweep them under the rug will one day be detrimental because eventually the dust under the rug is going to become a mountain and you will kick ALL of it out because it’s almost impossible to hold everything in. So not only are the two of us complete opposites in that regard, we also don’t have the best control over our feelings.

     The reason this is all coming up is because of what happened last night. I was upset over something that wasn’t a big deal. I then blew it up into something it didn’t need to be and suddenly allll my feelings were spewing out of me. I have been trying very hard to keep my emotions in check, but lately I’ve been stressed with money, work, I’ve been busy almost every day and it just caught up to me. Not saying it was right for me to explode the way I did, but we all have days when it’s just a little too much to keep in…but it was the third day in the row for me. I’m not going to get into what the fight/cry session (for me, not him!) was about. I’m not going to go into what was said and who said what. But what I realized after it was all said and done is that when I was laying in bed, still crying (cause I am a crier) and trying to fall asleep, all I wanted to do was call someone and talk to them. My boyfriend and I had just had an argument (the third in three days due to my emotional state) and so the last thing he wanted to do is come lay in bed with me and comfort me or listen to me anymore. And I can’t say I blame him. But it was late and I wanted to call my mom, but I didn’t want to wake her up. I ran a couple names through my head of who might be up/who might answer, but then what was I supposed to do do? Just sit on the other line and cry?? NO ONE wants to deal with that! I was asking myself “why in the world would you want to call someone when you’re a blubbering mess right now?” And then it hit me…I just wanted to be listened to.

     I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to be able to say anything I was feeling and get it off my chest…cause that’s how I feel I can move on. (Still debating on whether or not that’s really the best thing for me or not). My boyfriend didn’t want to listen cause he was frustrated and he knew that the conversation was going to go nowhere fast (and he was absolutely right). And since he was the only one in the house there was no one else to listen to me…except my two cats…which I may or may not have talked to just a little bit. But I just wanted to get what I was feeling off my chest and have someone to be there to just be there! I finally fell asleep thinking about all the things I just realized about myself and what I was going to write in this post.

     I’ve been in therapy for a few months now. I realized a while back I needed to stop venting and complaining and talking to my friends and my boyfriend and needed a third party to talk to about anything and everything. The first woman I went to asked my why I talked and complained so much…which I mean, she had a point, but uhhhmmm you’re my therapist! I’m paying you to listen to me and help me work through things. OF COURSE I’M GOING TO TALK A LOT. She after that I felt uncomfortable and like I wasn’t going to be able to express myself anymore, so I left. I just recently found a new woman who I’ve only had one session with that I already love! Everyone wants to be heard! Everyone wants to feel like their feelings and emotions matter, no matter how out of the blue or random they are. I think everyone could benefit from seeing someone and talking to someone who has no bias…even if you don’t have “problems”…that’s another stigma I will get into at another time. But it’s time to wrap this up.

    We all want to heard. I don’t care who you are or whether you think that statement is wrong…we ALL want to be listened to. Why do we have social media? Why do we post about the things we’re doing in our day or the problems we’re having? Why do we post pictures? For likes. For someone to notice. For someone to relate to you so you feel like you’ve been heard and you’re not alone. I’m just as guilty as everyone else, if not more. But we have to be careful what we say when wanting to be heard. We have to be careful not to over-speak or share our opinions when they are truly not needed or wanted. And I say all this for myself. I need to make sure I’m not letting my feelings control how I communicate. I need to make sure that my desire to be heard doesn’t cloud my judgement on what should be said. I need to be sure that what comes out of my mouth doesn’t get in the way of my job, my relationship or my life. It’s ok to want to be heard, but make sure what people are hearing is truly worth saying.

Xoxo,

Mo

Uncategorized

You’re Allowed To…

I’ve been struggling lately with friendships (or lack thereof) and how to deal with them. I just finished my 7th week at my new job. The first week or two friends from my old job texted me, asking me how it was going and all that good stuff…but I was pretty astonished with how few actually made an effort to talk to me. Like literally maybe two people. As the weeks went on it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. Nobody texted me, no one reached out to me asking how I was doing, not even the few girls I would have told you were my closest friends! Yea I was invited on FB to some “everyone is invited to go out on this day” type of things, but that was it. Usually, I’m the type of person to text you just cause. I’ll text you something completely random or if I haven’t talked to you in a while I’ll hit you up asking how things have been. But lately, I’ve been fed up!

I’ve been SO sick of being the one to always text someone first and realizing that if I don’t, I just won’t hear from people. I’m sick of inviting people places and then not being invited when they do something (it especially sucks when i’m like “hey we should do this some time” and then I see that person doing exactly what I suggested with someone else.) This is not me trying to throw a pity party and whine…I do my fair share of that in real life! This is me sharing what I saw recently that has changed my mind about how to handle situations like this. I saw this quote listed below and after reading it I realized I don’t have to be the one to always reach out to someone. I can let a one-sided friendship die and not feel guilty about it. I can choose to do whatever I please and I hope after reading this you feel empowered to do the same.

“You’re allowed to leave.”

I saw that as a title to an article and it really got my mind going. I have yet to read the article, but I plan to. Nevertheless, it has made me really think. You are allowed to leave. Read that again…you’re allowed to leave. Say it out loud. Maybe to you it doesn’t mean that much. Maybe you already know damn well you’re allowed to do whatever you want in life. If that’s you, then this post probably isn’t for you. This is for the people pleasers, the overthinkers and the anxiety ridden people of the world…people like me.

Often times I find I need to remind myself that I don’t have to do everything to make everyone else happy. I used to feel bad for saying “no” when someone asked me to hang out or to do something that I didn’t really want to do. You might think this sounds a little contrary to me being unhappy that my “friends” act like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. But it’s not. I’m allowed to say no if I don’t feel like hanging out with someone who doesn’t seem to really care about me. I don’t have to feel guilty for not texting someone first who hasn’t even tried to get in contact with me. I don’t need to feel pressured to do something with someone because if I don’t they might throw in my face that they invited me (after complaining about never being invited anywhere) and I chose not to join. I don’t need people like that in my life anyways. I’ve already addressed how I feel about people who throw insecurities back in your face in Trust Issues…

But anywho, I’m not saying that I run around purposely ditching people or hurting people’s feelings, but if it comes down to my happiness vs someone else’s, I’m allowed to choose mine. That doesn’t mean that it’s right to completely forget that other people have feelings, because you don’t want to be heartless. What it does mean is that you have the power to dictate your own happiness. Life is short. There is no room for you to do things that don’t bring you happiness. If you would rather sit at home and read a good book instead of going to the bar with your friends, read that book! You don’t have to feel badly for not wanting to do what everyone else wants to do. If you’re not into drinking or smoking and you realize that’s what a lot of your current friends do, it’s ok to distance yourself from that negative influence. You do not have to live to make sure everyone else is happy. YOU need to be happy.

It’s not always easy to recognize the negativity in life, and it’s even harder to be strong enough to cut it out of your life. I want to be clear that I’m not talking about treating people poorly “cause you can.” That’s not what any of this is about. And if that is what you do with your life, that’s up to you…but you probably have no real friends and that’s probably why. Anyways…life needs to be more about surrounding yourself with people who bring positivity into your world. People who actually care about you and check in on you. It’s ok to not be friends with someone because you find their energy to be toxic. There are many people I have worked with in the serving industry that I find extremely negative and I couldn’t wait to get away from them. It’s ok to end a relationship because you’re not happy. It’s ok to put your happiness above other people’s! Maybe I sound redundant. And maybe you’re reading this and you’re like “duh Moriah…” But for me it’s not an easy thing to remember all the time. I find myself feeling guilty sometimes for saying “no I don’t really want to go to the bar tonight” and having no other reasoning that “I don’t feel like it” and that is ok! I am allowed to go home and watch movies with my boyfriend even though I live with him and technically see him every day, if that’s what makes me happy. I’m allowed to invite certain people over to my house to hang out and not others, if that’s what makes me happy. I’m also allowed to put others first, IF THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

I’m allowed to walk away.

But honestly i’m allowed to do a lot of things…if that’s what makes me happy.

 

Xoxo

Mo

Uncategorized

Trust Issues

I’ve had this blog active for less than week. I’ve posted two things in here and it’s already happening. One of my biggest fears of creating this blog was that someone(s) would take what I said in my most vulnerable state and throw it back into my face. It’s been 4 days (depending on when this gets posted it may be more) and someone has already used my exact worlds against me. Awesome.

Continue reading “Trust Issues”