Uncategorized, Wellness

Accountability Check-in

I feel like I’m being kind of dishonest with my readers (all 20-40 of you). I post a lot about things I have dealt with/still deal with and then I’ve posted about things I’ve overcome. I posted not that long ago about yoga and how much I loved and it changed my life. Well…I haven’t done yoga in about 2+ months. Frankly, I haven’t done much at all…

Being a full time student while working a full time job has really been kicking my butt. I go to work, come home, take a little break and then do homework for the rest of the night. Like, I’m not exaggerating at all. The only thing I really take time out of studying to do is cook dinner or clean up the house. But lately though I haven’t even really been doing much cleaning! Thank God my boyfriend is so amazing and helpful when it comes to keeping our house clean! I truly don’t know what I would do without him. Actually I do…I’d eat mac and cheese every day and live in a pig-pen.

I’ve been doing really well in school….I have a 4.0 right now! So I mean, that’s awesome. But I am still struggling. Some of the assignments are actually fun (never knew I’d be saying that). But some of them seem completely pointless and solely time consuming. I spend about 3+ hours a day doing homework…it is my life. But I work that hard during the week so I can have my weekends free, that is the only break I get. I’ve always liked having a busy schedule, and I truly do! But when I feel like all I do all day is eat, sleep and sit on my butt, I’m starting to get a little discouraged.

I don’t think I lost any weight while doing yoga, but I definitely toned up and that had me super excited and motivated to break out of the yoga studio and start lifting and getting fit. Well then my knees started bothering me. Then I didn’t have the money to sign up for the gym I wanted. Then I started school. Now I’m too busy to go to the gym. And even if I’m technically not too busy, I literally feel like I’m wasting my time if I’m not doing homework. I’m gaining weight because I sit at work for 8 hours then come home and sit again while I’m doing homework. I feel like I barely have time to shower and/or I’m literally too tired to do anything else other than go to sleep. I wake up still exhausted. I barely have the motivation to do my makeup anymore (which makes me just as shocked as it makes you)! I just feel like a lump. That is the best way to describe me right now.

In addition to all that, the holidays are coming up…my favorite time of year!! But as I’ve gotten older, it’s started to become more stressful. I don’t make as much as I want. And right now I am a temp (which hopefully will be changing sooner rather than later…fingers crossed!!!) which means I don’t get paid holidays or paid days off. That wasn’t really an issue until now. I have a mandatory 5 unpaid days off for a time of year where my favorite thing to do is buy people things. I also live 10+ hours away from home and like to get to visit my family every once in a while. So that means taking more unpaid days off to travel to Vermont. Which also means either paying for a plane ticket or gas money. Which means I have to charge my credit card because like I said, I don’t have as much money as I’d like. And that also means not only am I spending money, I’m spending money while I’m not making it. My ULTIMATE stressor.

I know not everything is always rainbows and sunshine. I also know that there are people WAY worse off than I and I should be thankful that I have a family that loves me that I get to spend the holidays with. I’m not writing this for sympathy or as a pity party. I’m writing this to keep it real with y’all. This blog has specifically been about me being honest with myself and my readers. And honestly, I’m tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I work really hard and yet I don’t feel that I get rewarded the way I should. I really hate being an adult sometimes. Life is hard!! It’s fun at times, exciting and new, but also exhausting and stressful.

I wish all of you happy holidays! I wish all of you joy and happy memories. I hope that any tragedy that overshadows your life may be overpowered by good memories. But if you’re not quite in the holiday spirit. If you’re a little anxious about it, just know you’re not alone. We can try to focus on our blessings together! We can focus on the good and know that everything happens for a reason and it’ll all work out in the end. Cliche after cliche, but nonetheless somewhat comforting.

Xoxo,

Mo

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Uncategorized

Presentation is Everything

Presentation. It is literally everything in life. What makes you want to buy a burger at a restaurant? Other than the fact that burgers are AHMAZING, it could be because of that giant picture they posted in the menu with the meaty cheese and colorful veggies. Why might you risk the extra calories to get that huge piece of chocolate cake? Maybe because it is shown with swirls of chocolate and whip cream. Why do we want fancy cars? Cause they look fancy and rich!! And there’s nothing wrong with wanting something that looks nice or is well presented. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to present yourself in a nice way either. But what you might not realize, is that presentation is everything. Whether or not that burger actually looks like the picture once you get it, it attracted you. Whether or not that cake was super dry and flavorless doesn’t mean you didn’t look at that picture and want it. Just because you portray yourself a certain way, doesn’t mean that is necessarily exactly who you are. Which is why you need to make sure you’re presenting yourself in a way that truly represents who you are.

Business presentation. I think people these days forget about how important it is for you to present yourself in a professional manner…if you’re going into a professional position. I want tattoos. I want piercings, but I don’t always get them where I want to because I know that going into the legal field they might not want someone with all kinds of tattoos. I know it is 2017, and I would like to think that we are past these sort of things being a real issues, but I also don’t want to jeopardize any chance I have getting my dream job. I see so many people these days that don’t think about that. Young kids getting tattoos all over their bodies. Getting all kinds of facial piercings and they have no idea what they might be doing to their future. Also social media…if you are constantly posting videos of you drunk or smoking or out at clubs constantly, that might not be a good look. Despite what your privacy settings are and despite you “not being friends with” your employer, there are ways! Trust me..I have lived them. I have been targeted and had my social media used against me. But I have also been reckless and posted things I shouldn’t have and paid for it. So take my advice- present yourself as someone an employer would be proud of.

Personal presentation. To me the most important presentation is of yourself. How do you present yourself online? How do you present yourself to co workers? How do you present yourself to the world? I’m not saying worry about what everyone thinks of you, but perhaps keep it in the back of your mind. Not in a sense that people need to understand you or that all of their opinions are of the utmost importance, but how they see you can definitely affect your future! You might not get a job because of how you presented yourself at the interview. You might not date the guy you wanted to date because of how you portrayed yourself on the first date. Maybe the guy who always liked you changed his mind when he saw how you acted on Snapchat. Maybe you lose your job because of something you said on Twitter. That might sound silly, but I’ve seen it happen. I have seen girls complain about the men that they date and how they treat them like crap and I just want to scream “IT’S NOT JUST THEM IT’S YOU!!!” Think about it. If you present yourself as a very sexual object, that is the type of man you are going to attract. Men with class and respect aren’t going to want to waste their time with you. I say this because I know this from experience.

I struggled with feeling ugly my entire life until one day I went to college and woke up and it was like whoa why are men paying attention to me!? I was very innocent….like VERY. And I was also too trusting and pretty naive…aka dumb! I started getting the attention I had always wanted. So I started to feed into it. I slowly but surely pushed my boundaries until there weren’t any anymore. I wouldn’t say I walked around campus with a shirt on that said “give me the D,” but I found out later that i definitely had a reputation. And being at a Christian college, that made the reputation 10 times worse. Girls were coming to me saying they heard I’d slept with all these guys that I’d never even been with! Anyways…I played into any attention I could get. I will be the first one to say that I was easy at the time. I was desperate for the attention I felt like I never got and I wanted to soak it all up. I wanted to feel wanted. However, due to the fact that Ipresented myself as convenient, I was NEVER the only girl. Not once…not until the official start of my current relationship. And everything I put myself through has messed me up for years. I am paying for the damage those guys caused me, but I know that it is also on me. I let them use me. I’d say I even wanted to be used…until I didn’t. But at that point it was almost too late. I had a reputation. The damage was done. The guys on campus never saw me as girlfriend material and my real hope of finding a boyfriend was crush.

During those years, some of my extended family took it upon themselves to get in contact with me and my family. They would send me emails in which they essentially called me a whore or promiscuous. My uncle actually toldl me that I looked like a prostitute on Facebook. Now…they were completely in the wrong for saying that and I didn’t agree AT ALL. But that just goes to show just how serious how you present yourself can be. I didn’t think I posted anything wrong on Facebook, but they literally showed me pictures of mine and told me their interpretation. I knew my motives behind the innocent selfies and the pictures with my girlfriends. I knew that yes, I was struggling with handling the relationships I had. And it hurt, but it didn’t affect my life. They’re no longer a part of my life and that’s on them. I didn’t change how I presented myself on social media, it just opened my eyes to just how open to interpretation things you post online can be! It was shocking to say the least. But due to my experience with men, I know I hadn’t known my worth and I wasn’t presenting myself as the great girl I knew deep down that i was.

Presentation is everything. I’ve almost lost jobs due to what i’ve posted online. I’ve been called slutty for posting pictures with cleavage showing. I was the “other woman” more times than not because I didn’t show I was worth anything. I hold responsibility for all these things, but that doesn’t meant what everyone else has said and done has been right either. The bottom line is, if I had believed in myself and been confident in who I was, I would have naturally presented myself that way. I think things would have been a lot different for me if I had presented myself differently. And I think that things could be different for you if you take a step back and ask yourself: how do I present myself? Am I constantly negative? Do I come across as unapproachable? Do I seem desperate? Am I showing myself as someone who deserves all the best in life? Or am I settling and allowing myself to be used cause I don’t think I can do better? Presentation is everything…so present yourself like the king or queen that you are go out there and kill it!

Xoxo,

Mo

Uncategorized

Just Want to be Heard

     I talk a lot. When I’m happy. When I’m mad. When I’m frustrated. When I’m hurt…I talk about it. I talk about my feelings and how people’s actions affect me. I almost always let people know when they have done something that hurt my feelings or that I didn’t think is right. It’s terrible. I have always felt that overly opinionated people are so unnecessary, but I find myself being exactly that. When I was in college, and even now, when I would post something on Facebook it would drive me crazy when my mother would give her input on something I didn’t ask for opinions on. But yet I’ve always admired that she stuck up for herself, was never afraid to share an uncommon opinion or defend what she believes in. But where is the line? Where is the line between speaking up for yourself and how you feel, and talking too much? When should you keep those opinions to yourself? When do you go beyond sharing and into over-sharing? And above all else, why do you do it? Over the past few years I have realize a TON about myself. I think I have learned these things because I’ve been in a relationship….my first and only real relationship. I’ve learned what love is, what trust should be and what good communication is. Let me rephrase that….I am STILL learning what love is, what trust should be and what good communication is. And let me tell you: it is not all as easy at is sounds! Not for me anyways…

     I’ve talked about trust many times before and I’m sure I will talk about love eventually, but this post is about communication. I’ve always thought I was a good communicator. I’m very aware of my feelings (as I think I have ten times more than the average female) and I felt that I was always good at identifying what I’m feeling and why. I would rather have a hard conversation about my feelings with someone and work out the issue than sit there and sweep my feeling under the rug and fake that everything is ok. I would rather sit you down and say “hey…I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve been doing this and it bothers me (or hurts me, etc.).” My reasoning behind that is that they might not have any idea what they’re doing is affecting me so…I should let them at least know and give them the chance to change that! If I was doing something that was hurting someone and I didn’t know it, I for sure would want someone to tell me so I could have the opportunity to stop before I pushed them away completely! But no one is perfect and we’re always going to be doing something that someone else doesn’t agree with. So here’s the question of where that line is again…when is it sticking up for yourself and expressing your feelings and when is it being too sensitive and not being able to let something go?? 

     So like I said…I always thought I was brave for being able to communicate my feelings so well (so I thought) and then I started dating someone who doesn’t like to talk about feelings and would rather let it go than sit and talk about every little thing. I think we’re both in the wrong to some extent. I think that I am easily offended and take things personally too easily which leads to 10 times more stupid conversations about little things that don’t need to happen! I also think that being someone who doesn’t want to talk about things and would rather sweep them under the rug will one day be detrimental because eventually the dust under the rug is going to become a mountain and you will kick ALL of it out because it’s almost impossible to hold everything in. So not only are the two of us complete opposites in that regard, we also don’t have the best control over our feelings.

     The reason this is all coming up is because of what happened last night. I was upset over something that wasn’t a big deal. I then blew it up into something it didn’t need to be and suddenly allll my feelings were spewing out of me. I have been trying very hard to keep my emotions in check, but lately I’ve been stressed with money, work, I’ve been busy almost every day and it just caught up to me. Not saying it was right for me to explode the way I did, but we all have days when it’s just a little too much to keep in…but it was the third day in the row for me. I’m not going to get into what the fight/cry session (for me, not him!) was about. I’m not going to go into what was said and who said what. But what I realized after it was all said and done is that when I was laying in bed, still crying (cause I am a crier) and trying to fall asleep, all I wanted to do was call someone and talk to them. My boyfriend and I had just had an argument (the third in three days due to my emotional state) and so the last thing he wanted to do is come lay in bed with me and comfort me or listen to me anymore. And I can’t say I blame him. But it was late and I wanted to call my mom, but I didn’t want to wake her up. I ran a couple names through my head of who might be up/who might answer, but then what was I supposed to do do? Just sit on the other line and cry?? NO ONE wants to deal with that! I was asking myself “why in the world would you want to call someone when you’re a blubbering mess right now?” And then it hit me…I just wanted to be listened to.

     I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to be able to say anything I was feeling and get it off my chest…cause that’s how I feel I can move on. (Still debating on whether or not that’s really the best thing for me or not). My boyfriend didn’t want to listen cause he was frustrated and he knew that the conversation was going to go nowhere fast (and he was absolutely right). And since he was the only one in the house there was no one else to listen to me…except my two cats…which I may or may not have talked to just a little bit. But I just wanted to get what I was feeling off my chest and have someone to be there to just be there! I finally fell asleep thinking about all the things I just realized about myself and what I was going to write in this post.

     I’ve been in therapy for a few months now. I realized a while back I needed to stop venting and complaining and talking to my friends and my boyfriend and needed a third party to talk to about anything and everything. The first woman I went to asked my why I talked and complained so much…which I mean, she had a point, but uhhhmmm you’re my therapist! I’m paying you to listen to me and help me work through things. OF COURSE I’M GOING TO TALK A LOT. She after that I felt uncomfortable and like I wasn’t going to be able to express myself anymore, so I left. I just recently found a new woman who I’ve only had one session with that I already love! Everyone wants to be heard! Everyone wants to feel like their feelings and emotions matter, no matter how out of the blue or random they are. I think everyone could benefit from seeing someone and talking to someone who has no bias…even if you don’t have “problems”…that’s another stigma I will get into at another time. But it’s time to wrap this up.

    We all want to heard. I don’t care who you are or whether you think that statement is wrong…we ALL want to be listened to. Why do we have social media? Why do we post about the things we’re doing in our day or the problems we’re having? Why do we post pictures? For likes. For someone to notice. For someone to relate to you so you feel like you’ve been heard and you’re not alone. I’m just as guilty as everyone else, if not more. But we have to be careful what we say when wanting to be heard. We have to be careful not to over-speak or share our opinions when they are truly not needed or wanted. And I say all this for myself. I need to make sure I’m not letting my feelings control how I communicate. I need to make sure that my desire to be heard doesn’t cloud my judgement on what should be said. I need to be sure that what comes out of my mouth doesn’t get in the way of my job, my relationship or my life. It’s ok to want to be heard, but make sure what people are hearing is truly worth saying.

Xoxo,

Mo