Uncategorized, Wellness

Accountability Check-in

I feel like I’m being kind of dishonest with my readers (all 20-40 of you). I post a lot about things I have dealt with/still deal with and then I’ve posted about things I’ve overcome. I posted not that long ago about yoga and how much I loved and it changed my life. Well…I haven’t done yoga in about 2+ months. Frankly, I haven’t done much at all…

Being a full time student while working a full time job has really been kicking my butt. I go to work, come home, take a little break and then do homework for the rest of the night. Like, I’m not exaggerating at all. The only thing I really take time out of studying to do is cook dinner or clean up the house. But lately though I haven’t even really been doing much cleaning! Thank God my boyfriend is so amazing and helpful when it comes to keeping our house clean! I truly don’t know what I would do without him. Actually I do…I’d eat mac and cheese every day and live in a pig-pen.

I’ve been doing really well in school….I have a 4.0 right now! So I mean, that’s awesome. But I am still struggling. Some of the assignments are actually fun (never knew I’d be saying that). But some of them seem completely pointless and solely time consuming. I spend about 3+ hours a day doing homework…it is my life. But I work that hard during the week so I can have my weekends free, that is the only break I get. I’ve always liked having a busy schedule, and I truly do! But when I feel like all I do all day is eat, sleep and sit on my butt, I’m starting to get a little discouraged.

I don’t think I lost any weight while doing yoga, but I definitely toned up and that had me super excited and motivated to break out of the yoga studio and start lifting and getting fit. Well then my knees started bothering me. Then I didn’t have the money to sign up for the gym I wanted. Then I started school. Now I’m too busy to go to the gym. And even if I’m technically not too busy, I literally feel like I’m wasting my time if I’m not doing homework. I’m gaining weight because I sit at work for 8 hours then come home and sit again while I’m doing homework. I feel like I barely have time to shower and/or I’m literally too tired to do anything else other than go to sleep. I wake up still exhausted. I barely have the motivation to do my makeup anymore (which makes me just as shocked as it makes you)! I just feel like a lump. That is the best way to describe me right now.

In addition to all that, the holidays are coming up…my favorite time of year!! But as I’ve gotten older, it’s started to become more stressful. I don’t make as much as I want. And right now I am a temp (which hopefully will be changing sooner rather than later…fingers crossed!!!) which means I don’t get paid holidays or paid days off. That wasn’t really an issue until now. I have a mandatory 5 unpaid days off for a time of year where my favorite thing to do is buy people things. I also live 10+ hours away from home and like to get to visit my family every once in a while. So that means taking more unpaid days off to travel to Vermont. Which also means either paying for a plane ticket or gas money. Which means I have to charge my credit card because like I said, I don’t have as much money as I’d like. And that also means not only am I spending money, I’m spending money while I’m not making it. My ULTIMATE stressor.

I know not everything is always rainbows and sunshine. I also know that there are people WAY worse off than I and I should be thankful that I have a family that loves me that I get to spend the holidays with. I’m not writing this for sympathy or as a pity party. I’m writing this to keep it real with y’all. This blog has specifically been about me being honest with myself and my readers. And honestly, I’m tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I work really hard and yet I don’t feel that I get rewarded the way I should. I really hate being an adult sometimes. Life is hard!! It’s fun at times, exciting and new, but also exhausting and stressful.

I wish all of you happy holidays! I wish all of you joy and happy memories. I hope that any tragedy that overshadows your life may be overpowered by good memories. But if you’re not quite in the holiday spirit. If you’re a little anxious about it, just know you’re not alone. We can try to focus on our blessings together! We can focus on the good and know that everything happens for a reason and it’ll all work out in the end. Cliche after cliche, but nonetheless somewhat comforting.

Xoxo,

Mo

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Uncategorized

Presentation is Everything

Presentation. It is literally everything in life. What makes you want to buy a burger at a restaurant? Other than the fact that burgers are AHMAZING, it could be because of that giant picture they posted in the menu with the meaty cheese and colorful veggies. Why might you risk the extra calories to get that huge piece of chocolate cake? Maybe because it is shown with swirls of chocolate and whip cream. Why do we want fancy cars? Cause they look fancy and rich!! And there’s nothing wrong with wanting something that looks nice or is well presented. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to present yourself in a nice way either. But what you might not realize, is that presentation is everything. Whether or not that burger actually looks like the picture once you get it, it attracted you. Whether or not that cake was super dry and flavorless doesn’t mean you didn’t look at that picture and want it. Just because you portray yourself a certain way, doesn’t mean that is necessarily exactly who you are. Which is why you need to make sure you’re presenting yourself in a way that truly represents who you are.

Business presentation. I think people these days forget about how important it is for you to present yourself in a professional manner…if you’re going into a professional position. I want tattoos. I want piercings, but I don’t always get them where I want to because I know that going into the legal field they might not want someone with all kinds of tattoos. I know it is 2017, and I would like to think that we are past these sort of things being a real issues, but I also don’t want to jeopardize any chance I have getting my dream job. I see so many people these days that don’t think about that. Young kids getting tattoos all over their bodies. Getting all kinds of facial piercings and they have no idea what they might be doing to their future. Also social media…if you are constantly posting videos of you drunk or smoking or out at clubs constantly, that might not be a good look. Despite what your privacy settings are and despite you “not being friends with” your employer, there are ways! Trust me..I have lived them. I have been targeted and had my social media used against me. But I have also been reckless and posted things I shouldn’t have and paid for it. So take my advice- present yourself as someone an employer would be proud of.

Personal presentation. To me the most important presentation is of yourself. How do you present yourself online? How do you present yourself to co workers? How do you present yourself to the world? I’m not saying worry about what everyone thinks of you, but perhaps keep it in the back of your mind. Not in a sense that people need to understand you or that all of their opinions are of the utmost importance, but how they see you can definitely affect your future! You might not get a job because of how you presented yourself at the interview. You might not date the guy you wanted to date because of how you portrayed yourself on the first date. Maybe the guy who always liked you changed his mind when he saw how you acted on Snapchat. Maybe you lose your job because of something you said on Twitter. That might sound silly, but I’ve seen it happen. I have seen girls complain about the men that they date and how they treat them like crap and I just want to scream “IT’S NOT JUST THEM IT’S YOU!!!” Think about it. If you present yourself as a very sexual object, that is the type of man you are going to attract. Men with class and respect aren’t going to want to waste their time with you. I say this because I know this from experience.

I struggled with feeling ugly my entire life until one day I went to college and woke up and it was like whoa why are men paying attention to me!? I was very innocent….like VERY. And I was also too trusting and pretty naive…aka dumb! I started getting the attention I had always wanted. So I started to feed into it. I slowly but surely pushed my boundaries until there weren’t any anymore. I wouldn’t say I walked around campus with a shirt on that said “give me the D,” but I found out later that i definitely had a reputation. And being at a Christian college, that made the reputation 10 times worse. Girls were coming to me saying they heard I’d slept with all these guys that I’d never even been with! Anyways…I played into any attention I could get. I will be the first one to say that I was easy at the time. I was desperate for the attention I felt like I never got and I wanted to soak it all up. I wanted to feel wanted. However, due to the fact that Ipresented myself as convenient, I was NEVER the only girl. Not once…not until the official start of my current relationship. And everything I put myself through has messed me up for years. I am paying for the damage those guys caused me, but I know that it is also on me. I let them use me. I’d say I even wanted to be used…until I didn’t. But at that point it was almost too late. I had a reputation. The damage was done. The guys on campus never saw me as girlfriend material and my real hope of finding a boyfriend was crush.

During those years, some of my extended family took it upon themselves to get in contact with me and my family. They would send me emails in which they essentially called me a whore or promiscuous. My uncle actually toldl me that I looked like a prostitute on Facebook. Now…they were completely in the wrong for saying that and I didn’t agree AT ALL. But that just goes to show just how serious how you present yourself can be. I didn’t think I posted anything wrong on Facebook, but they literally showed me pictures of mine and told me their interpretation. I knew my motives behind the innocent selfies and the pictures with my girlfriends. I knew that yes, I was struggling with handling the relationships I had. And it hurt, but it didn’t affect my life. They’re no longer a part of my life and that’s on them. I didn’t change how I presented myself on social media, it just opened my eyes to just how open to interpretation things you post online can be! It was shocking to say the least. But due to my experience with men, I know I hadn’t known my worth and I wasn’t presenting myself as the great girl I knew deep down that i was.

Presentation is everything. I’ve almost lost jobs due to what i’ve posted online. I’ve been called slutty for posting pictures with cleavage showing. I was the “other woman” more times than not because I didn’t show I was worth anything. I hold responsibility for all these things, but that doesn’t meant what everyone else has said and done has been right either. The bottom line is, if I had believed in myself and been confident in who I was, I would have naturally presented myself that way. I think things would have been a lot different for me if I had presented myself differently. And I think that things could be different for you if you take a step back and ask yourself: how do I present myself? Am I constantly negative? Do I come across as unapproachable? Do I seem desperate? Am I showing myself as someone who deserves all the best in life? Or am I settling and allowing myself to be used cause I don’t think I can do better? Presentation is everything…so present yourself like the king or queen that you are go out there and kill it!

Xoxo,

Mo

Uncategorized

You’re Allowed To…

I’ve been struggling lately with friendships (or lack thereof) and how to deal with them. I just finished my 7th week at my new job. The first week or two friends from my old job texted me, asking me how it was going and all that good stuff…but I was pretty astonished with how few actually made an effort to talk to me. Like literally maybe two people. As the weeks went on it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. Nobody texted me, no one reached out to me asking how I was doing, not even the few girls I would have told you were my closest friends! Yea I was invited on FB to some “everyone is invited to go out on this day” type of things, but that was it. Usually, I’m the type of person to text you just cause. I’ll text you something completely random or if I haven’t talked to you in a while I’ll hit you up asking how things have been. But lately, I’ve been fed up!

I’ve been SO sick of being the one to always text someone first and realizing that if I don’t, I just won’t hear from people. I’m sick of inviting people places and then not being invited when they do something (it especially sucks when i’m like “hey we should do this some time” and then I see that person doing exactly what I suggested with someone else.) This is not me trying to throw a pity party and whine…I do my fair share of that in real life! This is me sharing what I saw recently that has changed my mind about how to handle situations like this. I saw this quote listed below and after reading it I realized I don’t have to be the one to always reach out to someone. I can let a one-sided friendship die and not feel guilty about it. I can choose to do whatever I please and I hope after reading this you feel empowered to do the same.

“You’re allowed to leave.”

I saw that as a title to an article and it really got my mind going. I have yet to read the article, but I plan to. Nevertheless, it has made me really think. You are allowed to leave. Read that again…you’re allowed to leave. Say it out loud. Maybe to you it doesn’t mean that much. Maybe you already know damn well you’re allowed to do whatever you want in life. If that’s you, then this post probably isn’t for you. This is for the people pleasers, the overthinkers and the anxiety ridden people of the world…people like me.

Often times I find I need to remind myself that I don’t have to do everything to make everyone else happy. I used to feel bad for saying “no” when someone asked me to hang out or to do something that I didn’t really want to do. You might think this sounds a little contrary to me being unhappy that my “friends” act like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. But it’s not. I’m allowed to say no if I don’t feel like hanging out with someone who doesn’t seem to really care about me. I don’t have to feel guilty for not texting someone first who hasn’t even tried to get in contact with me. I don’t need to feel pressured to do something with someone because if I don’t they might throw in my face that they invited me (after complaining about never being invited anywhere) and I chose not to join. I don’t need people like that in my life anyways. I’ve already addressed how I feel about people who throw insecurities back in your face in Trust Issues…

But anywho, I’m not saying that I run around purposely ditching people or hurting people’s feelings, but if it comes down to my happiness vs someone else’s, I’m allowed to choose mine. That doesn’t mean that it’s right to completely forget that other people have feelings, because you don’t want to be heartless. What it does mean is that you have the power to dictate your own happiness. Life is short. There is no room for you to do things that don’t bring you happiness. If you would rather sit at home and read a good book instead of going to the bar with your friends, read that book! You don’t have to feel badly for not wanting to do what everyone else wants to do. If you’re not into drinking or smoking and you realize that’s what a lot of your current friends do, it’s ok to distance yourself from that negative influence. You do not have to live to make sure everyone else is happy. YOU need to be happy.

It’s not always easy to recognize the negativity in life, and it’s even harder to be strong enough to cut it out of your life. I want to be clear that I’m not talking about treating people poorly “cause you can.” That’s not what any of this is about. And if that is what you do with your life, that’s up to you…but you probably have no real friends and that’s probably why. Anyways…life needs to be more about surrounding yourself with people who bring positivity into your world. People who actually care about you and check in on you. It’s ok to not be friends with someone because you find their energy to be toxic. There are many people I have worked with in the serving industry that I find extremely negative and I couldn’t wait to get away from them. It’s ok to end a relationship because you’re not happy. It’s ok to put your happiness above other people’s! Maybe I sound redundant. And maybe you’re reading this and you’re like “duh Moriah…” But for me it’s not an easy thing to remember all the time. I find myself feeling guilty sometimes for saying “no I don’t really want to go to the bar tonight” and having no other reasoning that “I don’t feel like it” and that is ok! I am allowed to go home and watch movies with my boyfriend even though I live with him and technically see him every day, if that’s what makes me happy. I’m allowed to invite certain people over to my house to hang out and not others, if that’s what makes me happy. I’m also allowed to put others first, IF THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

I’m allowed to walk away.

But honestly i’m allowed to do a lot of things…if that’s what makes me happy.

 

Xoxo

Mo