I talk a lot. When I’m happy. When I’m mad. When I’m frustrated. When I’m hurt…I talk about it. I talk about my feelings and how people’s actions affect me. I almost always let people know when they have done something that hurt my feelings or that I didn’t think is right. It’s terrible. I have always felt that overly opinionated people are so unnecessary, but I find myself being exactly that. When I was in college, and even now, when I would post something on Facebook it would drive me crazy when my mother would give her input on something I didn’t ask for opinions on. But yet I’ve always admired that she stuck up for herself, was never afraid to share an uncommon opinion or defend what she believes in. But where is the line? Where is the line between speaking up for yourself and how you feel, and talking too much? When should you keep those opinions to yourself? When do you go beyond sharing and into over-sharing? And above all else, why do you do it? Over the past few years I have realize a TON about myself. I think I have learned these things because I’ve been in a relationship….my first and only real relationship. I’ve learned what love is, what trust should be and what good communication is. Let me rephrase that….I am STILL learning what love is, what trust should be and what good communication is. And let me tell you: it is not all as easy at is sounds! Not for me anyways…
I’ve talked about trust many times before and I’m sure I will talk about love eventually, but this post is about communication. I’ve always thought I was a good communicator. I’m very aware of my feelings (as I think I have ten times more than the average female) and I felt that I was always good at identifying what I’m feeling and why. I would rather have a hard conversation about my feelings with someone and work out the issue than sit there and sweep my feeling under the rug and fake that everything is ok. I would rather sit you down and say “hey…I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve been doing this and it bothers me (or hurts me, etc.).” My reasoning behind that is that they might not have any idea what they’re doing is affecting me so…I should let them at least know and give them the chance to change that! If I was doing something that was hurting someone and I didn’t know it, I for sure would want someone to tell me so I could have the opportunity to stop before I pushed them away completely! But no one is perfect and we’re always going to be doing something that someone else doesn’t agree with. So here’s the question of where that line is again…when is it sticking up for yourself and expressing your feelings and when is it being too sensitive and not being able to let something go??
So like I said…I always thought I was brave for being able to communicate my feelings so well (so I thought) and then I started dating someone who doesn’t like to talk about feelings and would rather let it go than sit and talk about every little thing. I think we’re both in the wrong to some extent. I think that I am easily offended and take things personally too easily which leads to 10 times more stupid conversations about little things that don’t need to happen! I also think that being someone who doesn’t want to talk about things and would rather sweep them under the rug will one day be detrimental because eventually the dust under the rug is going to become a mountain and you will kick ALL of it out because it’s almost impossible to hold everything in. So not only are the two of us complete opposites in that regard, we also don’t have the best control over our feelings.
The reason this is all coming up is because of what happened last night. I was upset over something that wasn’t a big deal. I then blew it up into something it didn’t need to be and suddenly allll my feelings were spewing out of me. I have been trying very hard to keep my emotions in check, but lately I’ve been stressed with money, work, I’ve been busy almost every day and it just caught up to me. Not saying it was right for me to explode the way I did, but we all have days when it’s just a little too much to keep in…but it was the third day in the row for me. I’m not going to get into what the fight/cry session (for me, not him!) was about. I’m not going to go into what was said and who said what. But what I realized after it was all said and done is that when I was laying in bed, still crying (cause I am a crier) and trying to fall asleep, all I wanted to do was call someone and talk to them. My boyfriend and I had just had an argument (the third in three days due to my emotional state) and so the last thing he wanted to do is come lay in bed with me and comfort me or listen to me anymore. And I can’t say I blame him. But it was late and I wanted to call my mom, but I didn’t want to wake her up. I ran a couple names through my head of who might be up/who might answer, but then what was I supposed to do do? Just sit on the other line and cry?? NO ONE wants to deal with that! I was asking myself “why in the world would you want to call someone when you’re a blubbering mess right now?” And then it hit me…I just wanted to be listened to.
I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to be able to say anything I was feeling and get it off my chest…cause that’s how I feel I can move on. (Still debating on whether or not that’s really the best thing for me or not). My boyfriend didn’t want to listen cause he was frustrated and he knew that the conversation was going to go nowhere fast (and he was absolutely right). And since he was the only one in the house there was no one else to listen to me…except my two cats…which I may or may not have talked to just a little bit. But I just wanted to get what I was feeling off my chest and have someone to be there to just be there! I finally fell asleep thinking about all the things I just realized about myself and what I was going to write in this post.
I’ve been in therapy for a few months now. I realized a while back I needed to stop venting and complaining and talking to my friends and my boyfriend and needed a third party to talk to about anything and everything. The first woman I went to asked my why I talked and complained so much…which I mean, she had a point, but uhhhmmm you’re my therapist! I’m paying you to listen to me and help me work through things. OF COURSE I’M GOING TO TALK A LOT. She after that I felt uncomfortable and like I wasn’t going to be able to express myself anymore, so I left. I just recently found a new woman who I’ve only had one session with that I already love! Everyone wants to be heard! Everyone wants to feel like their feelings and emotions matter, no matter how out of the blue or random they are. I think everyone could benefit from seeing someone and talking to someone who has no bias…even if you don’t have “problems”…that’s another stigma I will get into at another time. But it’s time to wrap this up.
We all want to heard. I don’t care who you are or whether you think that statement is wrong…we ALL want to be listened to. Why do we have social media? Why do we post about the things we’re doing in our day or the problems we’re having? Why do we post pictures? For likes. For someone to notice. For someone to relate to you so you feel like you’ve been heard and you’re not alone. I’m just as guilty as everyone else, if not more. But we have to be careful what we say when wanting to be heard. We have to be careful not to over-speak or share our opinions when they are truly not needed or wanted. And I say all this for myself. I need to make sure I’m not letting my feelings control how I communicate. I need to make sure that my desire to be heard doesn’t cloud my judgement on what should be said. I need to be sure that what comes out of my mouth doesn’t get in the way of my job, my relationship or my life. It’s ok to want to be heard, but make sure what people are hearing is truly worth saying.